Believe It!

Well, I cannot believe it, but then again, I do. There is pretty much nothing people can do that surprises me at this point any longer. Although, the lack of righteous laws, and the institution of mindless rules that are only made to be a means to an end on a political, ‘personal’ level, thinks it’s enough to condone the murder in the first degree of our most precious innocent beings, our infant children. So innocent, in fact, they have yet to experience anything but the hate, selfishness, greediness; all in the name of power and control and monetary prestige for those that ‘talk the talk to turn our hearts. They say something like 90% of society here in the U.S. are against full-term infanticide (a fancy name to make it sound like a ‘real’ thing), in other words, first degree murder. Doctor and patient both guilty as anyone can be. We wonder what’s wrong with this world but the most prestigious country on our globe has attempted to make first degree murder righteous. What! Not in God’s eye’s But, how does a law like that even get passed? New York? Please explain what about America can explain murder of our youngest society, our most important society, the ones that are our future. Our newborns.

I have to wonder, the what ifs. I was very much ‘not wanted’ when I was discovered to be. If these laws were this way in 1960 would I even be here and mostly only for the purpose of the selfish and greediness of today’s ‘women’ (I do not mean that ‘generally’ but for a large part, sorry, I don’t know statistics, all I know is experience.)

 

Changes

Failure to bond basically since birth, now with strangers. What was next? How did I feel? What was happening? What kind of a thought was I capable of putting together at such a young age? Littered with the outcomes of the adults 1249_1054721815129_2380_nbehavior around me that were in my life now. I’d have to say the biggest boo boo in my life. Probably the root of all evil in my life. People being so hard-hearted when they see other’s, that they judge,  knowing nothing about the situation. I can attest to that.

My Aunt Marilyn picked me up at the orphanage. Only the diaper I had on was all she got to leave with me. She went straight to the store to get formula, clothes, diapers etc. All that she needed for me and for the trip back to San Diego.

Being about six months old, I had to be as emotionally unhealthy as any infant could be, I could only cry for those that seen worse. I became aware of my fear-based life in my later 20’s, I think how terrified an infant would have to feel without the knowledge of anything else having to do with that terror, that it could actually bring on such debilitating behavior as an adult and unknowingly until the light bulb went on one day.

When my Aunt Marilyn picked me up to move me from Portland to San Diego, the orphanage had nothing to offer her except the diaper I was wearing and me. Not so much as a bottle of formula or an extra diaper. Aunt Marilyn went, of course, directly to the store and bought all that she, and I, would need. Then back on the road, heading South this  time.

Back on track, I’m now in San Diego, like an infant would know the difference in geography. I’ve often wondered what went on in my emotional pocketbook, or what kind of thought process I was even able or unable to form around all the chaos I had witnessed in my new life. Especially in these early months having to do with courts. James and Marilyn Maynard, my Aunt and Uncle from my biological father’s side, Slim’s, had only one intention and that was adoption. It was to be an open-family adoption. Visits, and I was to be raised Catholic was part of the ‘deal’.

When we arrived at my new ‘home’ it was empty. My uncle was in the US Navy and away, deployed at that time. So, it was just Aunt Marilyn and me to get to know each other. I know at some time court proceedings were started and everything was agreed upon, but by the time the proceedings were over the Judge was angry, my biological parents had reneged on all they had agreed on and tried to get me back. Making a mockery out of the courtroom to the point that the Judge’s anger came out and he slammed down his gavel and spoke loudly that ” This child is NOT a football, ” He gave all rights to my new parents, and closed the adoption. I now had new parents and a whole new life looking at me. As an infant I had no idea.

Realization-Knotted Up

design desk display eyewear
Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

Feeling dismayed and jerked around this morning. Realizing that my blog that I started working on about a year ago was turning into something good. I was learning this site and blogging and had so much to say. Then, comes a twig getting caught in the spokes of the tire of life. Everything came to an abrupt stop. When Daughter Two came to visit and I’m not getting my train of thinking and learning back and I’m thinking for what came of that visit you think would be worth anything, but I’m sitting here missing out on something that was bringing me so much pleasure and made me feel like I have something to offer the world out of the horrors I have, and my children, gone through. It sort of makes me feel used, abused and kicked to the curb.

I’m starting a new blog and not having a lot of luck there either. I’m open to suggestions. Really, I need to start this morning out with a prayer and a doctors appointment for my eye. This post will make a big deal in my decisions that I am going to and am able to make about this blog.

I’ve messed so much up not knowing how to make this site with ‘categories’, ‘pages’, posts and ‘tags’. I never understood them and the only way I can save this blog is to try to revamp my ‘tags’ and ‘categories’, hoping that it will straighten out the mess I made without knowing. Ignorance is NOT bliss!

Invitation to a Painted Thought

A Parable for the Heart♥♥♥:

By:
*•.¸♡mᎪᏒᎽ ᎠᎬᏉᏒᎽ♡¸.•*

We, who sit and ponder without the blessing of taking a note, may come to a brick wall with a precious spot of art, known better as vandalism. It’s amazing what God allows to wake up our brains. Hat’s off to all you artists out there who seem to need and definitely deserve a piece of paper.

You are invited:
Facebook’s Group: We Are His Miracles

Birthdays and Blessings

I said I’d return to give a run down of what I was doing while not blogging for the last seven months. Here I am. With no thoughts as to what I want or should write. Great! Gosh, where to start. . .


June 2018, approximately nine months ago the phone rang, an unusually excited voice on the other end squeals out, “Mama, how about I come for a visit”? I was like, “huh”? I was shocked and until I replied to her, her, my daughter, “of course you can”! I asked her how long she could stay, her reply was about a month. Wow, this is where you will start to understand the title of today’s blog, I was in shock and as to why is what makes me ‘know’ miracles do happen, I have witnessed all too many miracles to ‘ever’ deny them, and this was another. Maybe not the visit being the miracle but the end result of what I’d consider the most awkward, difficult and tiresome visit I hope I will ever have to play hostess to. Oh my!

She was due in on the morning bus coming from the eastern side of the states. Her bus broke down twice with another time being the saving bus. Not a good way to start the kind of trek that was in store for us. She made it in finally, 18 hours later than planned. At least I could see her with my eyes as she stood tall inside the bus as I looked up waiting for her to come into my sight and there she was, stepping up toward the driver, standing there seeing me and smiling large. My daughter. She’s alive! Truly.

It was the first sight i’d had of her for over 11 years. I truly thought and believed and had grieved (without giving up all hope, if that’s possible) her being gone and out of my life. I had no idea of her whereabouts, her health, her safety. The last time I saw her she was in turmoil and basically because of rotten circumstances in both of our lives she was lost into the dark from me. I was too weak to grab her.




I think I’m going to end there. I will give some serious thought to how to continue this, I am not sure. But, I can say, at this moment she’s still on a bus on her return trip and has not reached her place of residence yet. She sounds so good on the phone. Only recourse I have now is to pray my heart out for her to accept my offers and pray for her well being. It’s all about her and God and their choices at this time. 




“Wild One”

By: Faith Hill

They said change your clothes
She said no I won’t
They said comb your hair
She said some kids don’t
And her parents dreams went up in smoke

They said you can’t leave
She said yes I will
They said don’t see him
She said his name is Bill
She’s on a roll and it’s all uphill

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

She loves Rock and Roll
They said it’s Satan’s tongue
She thinks they’re too old
They think she’s too young
And the battle lines are clearly drawn

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

She has future plans and dreams at night
When they tell her life is hard she says that’s alright

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

Dearest Julia Anne.
Ever since I first heard this song, when it was released, it has been in my heart for you. I heard this and all I could do was think of you. I dedicated this song to you many years ago. I hope you like it. I never shared it with you but maybe the time wasn’t right and now it is. Go to You-Tube and search the name and play it = it’s a very ‘up’ song.
Love, Mama

March 4th, 2017

Back on Track

Well, this last year has been one that stretched me resources. I’m still feeling exhausted. A seven-month visit from an estranged and adored daughter that was unbelievably wonderful unfortunately didn’t repair things enough to leave the negativity behind. All with her and I went very well. From the first moment getting off her bus to the moment she entered the bus to return to what she considers ‘home.’ After a lifetime of praying, talking, loving, accepting and doing what I could do but always fell short in her eyes you would think we stood a chance with how well the long visit went. She, sadly, is involved in a long relationship to a man who does not work or provide for her. He lives off of her disability and food stamps. Problem really lies in what she shared with me while she visited; he hits her (open-handed, she justifies his behavior by the ‘open-handed’ making it okay in her mind. Also, she told me he supplies her with drugs when he chooses. i am at a stand still as to what to do. She’s clear across the U.S. from me. I have some thoughts and an idea to help watch over her being so far away but it’s a bit extreme but I also found where he’s listed as a sex offender and has also spent many years in prison and I would like to know exactly what for. With the information my daughter disclosed to me I should have every right in the world to try to protect my daughter.

Now, on with the original scheme of this blog. It’s been nearly a year, it may be difficult to get back on track.

I think where I will pin down time will be starting school. I can return to times previous to that as needed.

I was a nervous wreck! Only five years old and ready for kindergarten, Decked out in new ‘school’ clothes for the year or at least to get us to the Christmas holidays so Mama would equip me with what had been grown out of and replaced with gifts from Mama and Daddy. Toys were always under the tree from Santa, unwrapped. Aw, subject of Christmas seems to be strong. I will have to dedicate some time and effort to one of my most meaningful and lovely spiritual holidays. But, like that popular, seasonal saying, ‘Back to School”, lol.

I attended.

Try, Try, and Try Again~Phew!

A break in time, to stop, to begin again. To never quit.

When God says NOW, He means NOW; I jump!







Well, I’ve gone to great lengths, in the past, to not repeat or talk of the present day, as my blog takes place with me as an infant and the story goes on from there. It’s been approximately seven months since I was able to write my blog. Everything I was learning about making this blog site, here at WordPress I have forgotten totally. I’m trying to trigger my memory but I knew so little when life changed.

I will do a part two of my most recent current events having happened in my real life as of the last year, mainly seven months. It will aid me in swinging back into writing my blog. It’s amazing to me what I have survived during this time of absence. It’s just such simple things for most people but these are the events that confuse and bend my thoughts and understanding to the point of near insanity at it’s most accepted. 

I look forward to returning to writing and hope I can resume where I was leaving off to continue with the thought pattern I was on. I have a lot of praying to do.

I will continue by next writing to tell of the events that led up to and caused my absence. All things are not bad even  if they keep us from what we enjoy.






Return soon with a nice story of events in my currently past-present life.

Together...
Together Again, Mama & Julia!





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