Changes

Failure to bond basically since birth, now with strangers. What was next? How did I feel? What was happening? What kind of a thought was I capable of putting together at such a young age? Littered with the outcomes of the adults 1249_1054721815129_2380_nbehavior around me that were in my life now. I’d have to say the biggest boo boo in my life. Probably the root of all evil in my life. People being so hard-hearted when they see other’s, that they judge,  knowing nothing about the situation. I can attest to that.

My Aunt Marilyn picked me up at the orphanage. Only the diaper I had on was all she got to leave with me. She went straight to the store to get formula, clothes, diapers etc. All that she needed for me and for the trip back to San Diego.

Being about six months old, I had to be as emotionally unhealthy as any infant could be, I could only cry for those that seen worse. I became aware of my fear-based life in my later 20’s, I think how terrified an infant would have to feel without the knowledge of anything else having to do with that terror, that it could actually bring on such debilitating behavior as an adult and unknowingly until the light bulb went on one day.

When my Aunt Marilyn picked me up to move me from Portland to San Diego, the orphanage had nothing to offer her except the diaper I was wearing and me. Not so much as a bottle of formula or an extra diaper. Aunt Marilyn went, of course, directly to the store and bought all that she, and I, would need. Then back on the road, heading South this  time.

Back on track, I’m now in San Diego, like an infant would know the difference in geography. I’ve often wondered what went on in my emotional pocketbook, or what kind of thought process I was even able or unable to form around all the chaos I had witnessed in my new life. Especially in these early months having to do with courts. James and Marilyn Maynard, my Aunt and Uncle from my biological father’s side, Slim’s, had only one intention and that was adoption. It was to be an open-family adoption. Visits, and I was to be raised Catholic was part of the ‘deal’.

When we arrived at my new ‘home’ it was empty. My uncle was in the US Navy and away, deployed at that time. So, it was just Aunt Marilyn and me to get to know each other. I know at some time court proceedings were started and everything was agreed upon, but by the time the proceedings were over the Judge was angry, my biological parents had reneged on all they had agreed on and tried to get me back. Making a mockery out of the courtroom to the point that the Judge’s anger came out and he slammed down his gavel and spoke loudly that ” This child is NOT a football, ” He gave all rights to my new parents, and closed the adoption. I now had new parents and a whole new life looking at me. As an infant I had no idea.

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