Believe It!

Well, I cannot believe it, but then again, I do. There is pretty much nothing people can do that surprises me at this point any longer. Although, the lack of righteous laws, and the institution of mindless rules that are only made to be a means to an end on a political, ‘personal’ level, thinks it’s enough to condone the murder in the first degree of our most precious innocent beings, our infant children. So innocent, in fact, they have yet to experience anything but the hate, selfishness, greediness; all in the name of power and control and monetary prestige for those that ‘talk the talk to turn our hearts. They say something like 90% of society here in the U.S. are against full-term infanticide (a fancy name to make it sound like a ‘real’ thing), in other words, first degree murder. Doctor and patient both guilty as anyone can be. We wonder what’s wrong with this world but the most prestigious country on our globe has attempted to make first degree murder righteous. What! Not in God’s eye’s But, how does a law like that even get passed? New York? Please explain what about America can explain murder of our youngest society, our most important society, the ones that are our future. Our newborns.

I have to wonder, the what ifs. I was very much ‘not wanted’ when I was discovered to be. If these laws were this way in 1960 would I even be here and mostly only for the purpose of the selfish and greediness of today’s ‘women’ (I do not mean that ‘generally’ but for a large part, sorry, I don’t know statistics, all I know is experience.)

 

Realization-Knotted Up

design desk display eyewear
Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

Feeling dismayed and jerked around this morning. Realizing that my blog that I started working on about a year ago was turning into something good. I was learning this site and blogging and had so much to say. Then, comes a twig getting caught in the spokes of the tire of life. Everything came to an abrupt stop. When Daughter Two came to visit and I’m not getting my train of thinking and learning back and I’m thinking for what came of that visit you think would be worth anything, but I’m sitting here missing out on something that was bringing me so much pleasure and made me feel like I have something to offer the world out of the horrors I have, and my children, gone through. It sort of makes me feel used, abused and kicked to the curb.

I’m starting a new blog and not having a lot of luck there either. I’m open to suggestions. Really, I need to start this morning out with a prayer and a doctors appointment for my eye. This post will make a big deal in my decisions that I am going to and am able to make about this blog.

I’ve messed so much up not knowing how to make this site with ‘categories’, ‘pages’, posts and ‘tags’. I never understood them and the only way I can save this blog is to try to revamp my ‘tags’ and ‘categories’, hoping that it will straighten out the mess I made without knowing. Ignorance is NOT bliss!

Back on Track

Well, this last year has been one that stretched me resources. I’m still feeling exhausted. A seven-month visit from an estranged and adored daughter that was unbelievably wonderful unfortunately didn’t repair things enough to leave the negativity behind. All with her and I went very well. From the first moment getting off her bus to the moment she entered the bus to return to what she considers ‘home.’ After a lifetime of praying, talking, loving, accepting and doing what I could do but always fell short in her eyes you would think we stood a chance with how well the long visit went. She, sadly, is involved in a long relationship to a man who does not work or provide for her. He lives off of her disability and food stamps. Problem really lies in what she shared with me while she visited; he hits her (open-handed, she justifies his behavior by the ‘open-handed’ making it okay in her mind. Also, she told me he supplies her with drugs when he chooses. i am at a stand still as to what to do. She’s clear across the U.S. from me. I have some thoughts and an idea to help watch over her being so far away but it’s a bit extreme but I also found where he’s listed as a sex offender and has also spent many years in prison and I would like to know exactly what for. With the information my daughter disclosed to me I should have every right in the world to try to protect my daughter.

Now, on with the original scheme of this blog. It’s been nearly a year, it may be difficult to get back on track.

I think where I will pin down time will be starting school. I can return to times previous to that as needed.

I was a nervous wreck! Only five years old and ready for kindergarten, Decked out in new ‘school’ clothes for the year or at least to get us to the Christmas holidays so Mama would equip me with what had been grown out of and replaced with gifts from Mama and Daddy. Toys were always under the tree from Santa, unwrapped. Aw, subject of Christmas seems to be strong. I will have to dedicate some time and effort to one of my most meaningful and lovely spiritual holidays. But, like that popular, seasonal saying, ‘Back to School”, lol.

I attended.

Try, Try, and Try Again~Phew!

A break in time, to stop, to begin again. To never quit.

When God says NOW, He means NOW; I jump!







Well, I’ve gone to great lengths, in the past, to not repeat or talk of the present day, as my blog takes place with me as an infant and the story goes on from there. It’s been approximately seven months since I was able to write my blog. Everything I was learning about making this blog site, here at WordPress I have forgotten totally. I’m trying to trigger my memory but I knew so little when life changed.

I will do a part two of my most recent current events having happened in my real life as of the last year, mainly seven months. It will aid me in swinging back into writing my blog. It’s amazing to me what I have survived during this time of absence. It’s just such simple things for most people but these are the events that confuse and bend my thoughts and understanding to the point of near insanity at it’s most accepted. 

I look forward to returning to writing and hope I can resume where I was leaving off to continue with the thought pattern I was on. I have a lot of praying to do.

I will continue by next writing to tell of the events that led up to and caused my absence. All things are not bad even  if they keep us from what we enjoy.






Return soon with a nice story of events in my currently past-present life.

Together...
Together Again, Mama & Julia!





♥♥♥

Try, Try Again…

Jesus held a huge piece of my heart even before the age of four. I believe
God made this possible for me, so small but I fully understood that Jesus was my best friend. As He is now.

Yeah. If at first we don’t succeed…

I guess, when you look at it like this I have to admit that as a helpless human being with no way to protect myself or have an opinion of my own, I have to look back and even during that first year of life, I have to see God at work in my life, before I arrived as well as everything to come. The second chance was all about Him. There was no way with my luck that any good would have come out of such a situation concerning me. But, God saw to it that I was taken care of righteously in any case. Maybe that is the cause of my strong belief in God, when I was so little.







When Daddy was off on deployment, life was one way. When he was home, life was a different way. Mommy was my new Sunday school teacher, I learned to love Jesus, I just knew He was as a bright white light, too bright to see, purest of clean that you could just sense His purity, and simply humble ourselves before Him. He’s always there and He’s  always loved me and forever will care for me. God, Jesus, they would watch over my family, me and all that I cared about. This is what I learned of Jesus and God A.S.A.P.!









I remember in San Diego, dressed in my special Sunday skirt suit. Big bow around my neck to tie under my chin to give that mature, very dressed up look then you also add the little white Sunday gloves, black patent-leather shoes in the little Mary-Jane style, that also matched my tiny little patent-leather purse to hold my offering and my hankie on our Special Day. Along with that, I remember the second floor room that was darkened by the lack of larger windows and no flourescent lighting back in the early 60’s. Looking out the window down onto the street, noticing how wide the sidewalk was down in front of our church. My bible, purse and paperwork were under a chair very close to the window. I didn’t like the darkness of the room. I would sit as closely to the light that the small window would allow in, and appreciate the fact that I had a good seat for me that day. I was happy and felt at home at that young age in that Sunday school room with Mommy as my teacher.

All was good there.

 

New Home for Who?

Who, who am I? Who, who am i?

Onward toward life as I go…

I now reside in San Diego, I have received two new parents, a mommy and a daddy. They had a child to full term in the fifties but i was still born for reasons that wouldn’t happen in this day and age. My brother, who I owe a debt of gratitude to, is named Michael. I started feeling this even stronger toward Michael as I got older life got more clear as time went on. Without his precious and untimely passing, there would have been no need or desire to have me in this new home where I am now at.

My new mommy and daddy changed my name from Leilon Therese to Mary Janeen, I was issued a new birth certificate with them listed as my birth parents and my new names listed as my birth names but they didn’t change my birth date or my birthplace. I was introduced to my new daddy when he return from his 9 month deployment. But I never really got to bond with him, he did retire from the USN until 19

69. I was 9 years old by then. They couldn’t keep my original name for the first and middle names were chosen for the fact that they were meant to be named after my biological parents’ names. So, new mommy and daddy did the same thing only with initials, lol, Mary after Mommy and the J in Janeen after James for new Daddy. I was brought up from the beginning knowing the whole time that I had been adopted. Mommy always said I was special because I was hand picked. That, I didn’t just ‘happen’, I was actually ‘chosen’ and that’s what made me so special. She always stuck to that story. I never had questions, no curiosity, no wonderment. I never dreamed of ‘what if’s’ having to do with biological parents. This became ‘MY’ biggest mistake and made so

Meeting Daddy for the First Time
Sometime in early 1961 my new Daddy came home from his Deployment and he and I were able to meet each other for the first time.

Mama’s gonna buy you another day…

many and so much ‘my fault’! This whole this was a blessing beyond what you could imagine but when people get or got involved it turned into anything from being hurt badly or being grateful to a fault.

Once you realize the family dynamics of these four people and the new grandparents I’ve now acquired this will all become a lot clearer.

 

An Attempt at Rectification

A attempt to bring two mixed up good posts into one for a single thought to continue writing my blog about.

Leilon Therese Maynard Pre Eight Months of Age
Still residing with Theresa Jones, Tina Jones is behind the high chair, more on sisters soon. One of two photos of Leilon Therese Maynard, barely old enough to sit yet.

Well, out of five posts, I have deleted the first three. The two that are remaining are very similar. Yes, if this sounds familiar to days from when any of you were new to Blogging than you understand, I’m going to try to rectify the two posts that are very similar and make a little more sense out of them so I may find my story line. I do have one. My mind just doesn’t quit thinking of all the options I can think of.

Well, all the facts were very clear, most of what I wrote was to be before I was even found out about and even some years before that.

I will start by bringing the two first parts into this third part. First let’s get this on a track that is going somewhere. I would have never been able to escape the Social Phobia or the severe PTSD concerning people. But all the rest I have found at age 58 seems to me are ailments that came about because I didnt’ fit the mold of others’.

The facts that I know, have been researched by me over the years, slowly and pretty much out of necessity, are in my opinion the truth. I mean, one plus one is two, read between the lines, listen to the answers you do get, ask the right questions, etc. You can pretty much paint the pictures of life as it ‘would’ have been, ‘could’ have been and now I look back and wonder why it had to be so messed up. I even had an epiphany as to why things got so bad and it was saddening to see how I was treated all my life.

Infant Child With no Where to Go

The beginning of the most confusing story any one human should every have to face in one lifetime.




Well, I have read a number of apps and amazingly enough282042_2316441397330_3366262_n1 they were very much like books and they taught me a lot, unfortunately I still don’t know how to work WordPress, Just didn’t understand those apps.

I deleted the first three messes I made, I didn’t realize a blog is to be pretty much topical and something we are excited to write about. After a lot of thought and soul-searching I came up with a theory about a month ago that explained my life to me. That’s what I want to write about, the events of my life that I feel made and still make it a bit different from most but not all.

I can start by that great ol’ saying, ‘It sucks to be me’. (Giggle). Yea, giggles. There are too many reasons even at this age, 58, that still upset me. So, when I find that I can giggle about the insanity of my life as a whole, and know that God has been on my side since I was conceived, there are times when I am in awe that I am even still walking upright at 58.

I was conceived by a man who was enlisted in the army in 1959 but was far from a good example. The mate he chose was a lonely woman who already had two young girls from two different previous marriages. After their marriage everything fell apart when the secrets were released. Secrets of possible sexual abuse of her young girls and the fact also came out that he had two previous marriages… but he lacked divorces! After this was all on the table the fighting started. It was clear that I was an accident and not planned, considering I was five years later than her first two girls. That never concerned me. But, whenever, they would fight and that seemed to be often, he would storm out of her home; she would run out with me, following him to his car, for the purpose of tossing me into the car so he would take me away. Which he did. Straight to the Catholic Orphanage and dropped me off, every time. This went on consistently for the first eight months of my life.





“Hush little Baby, don’t say a word,

Mama’s gonna buy you a billy goat.

If that billy goat runs away,

Mama’s gonna buy you another day”.





We will say that Slim, the army guy who like the orphanage and small children,  did me a favor in a weird way by dropping me off at that orphanage. Every time, those beers were more important than his new daughter. Now, this is where the story could go different ways, but, I say this: I was dropped off so often the State of Oregon took custody of me from Theresa, but at the same time Theresa had made a phone call to Slim’s brother’s wife in San Diego, California, asking them if they would take me on as their own. Her brother-in-laws wife instantly put a land to sea call in for her deployed husband, Slim’s brother, James without hesitation. She asked him the same question, he agreed. Marilyn, James’ wife, ended up driving all alone from Southern California straight to Portland, Oregon to the Catholic Orphanage and picked me up. So, it figures to me that the state took authority over a small baby but was in agreement to allow me to be let go to an adoptable couple through the family with no problem. I must have probably been maybe six months old is my guess. My name at birth was given to me as Leilon Therese Maynard, Theresa had plans of my nickname being Lonnie.

Marilyn, was exhausted after a drive like that and trust me it was not easy for her to do a drive such as this. During the 50’s, early part, she was driving with her brother and mother in the car up in mountainous ranges. It was dark and she was exhausted, she fell asleep at the wheel, following her little ‘nap’ she went off the road and down the cliff the car rolled many times. They were travelling, I forget where, but I do remember it was a special trip. That old style luggage that used to be is what she had. A renegade ‘train-case  filled with toiletries such as, hair spray, lipstick, shampoo, etc. It was incredibly heavy, large and hard. It flew from the back of the car to the front and hit her in the head. I’ll elaborate later of the damage it did because no one had a clue as to what I witnessed of her little head shots of her CT-Scan near the beginning of her illness that took her from me.

Back to the story at hand. Now comes the stress, the courts, the lawyers, and the arguments and stories that made no sense, and my guess also very bad courtroom behavior start. But, in the end, there were winners and there were losers. One very angry Judge. One emotionally screwed up six-month old baby too. This will complete the post of “Infant Child with no Where to Go.” We will continue with a new post about the court proceedings and what will hopefully make another ‘complete’ post. Thank you for sharing with me.

Mary

 

Pre-Destruct

Gosh, I wasn’t a glimmer in anyone’s eye and after a lifetime of putting everyone’s stories together, I have to say the ignorance of birth-control in the 1950’s and ’60’s was rampant. Any how, a single woman with two little girls, just two years apart, both from different father’s, and a grandmother known as Nanny made up the nucleus of half of my beginning. The other half is made up of dark secrets and emotional downfalls. Theresa Dahlberg Seitz from Wisconsin landed in Oregon, Portland to be exact. There, their family congregated and lived until they went to be with the Lord.
Theresa had her mother, a sister and brother. Dede, Theresa’s younger sister, who is now gone from us, had something in common, only thing ever that I could come up with, but funny coincidence, both sisters had their last marriages to men with the last names of ‘Jones”, so, it kind of leaves you thinking they were going by their maiden names. No, they just ended up with men that shared the same surname. Their brother, Ludwig, who went by Uncle Lucky never did or would speak to me by letter, phone, or the famous social website, so I have no opinion on this man whatsoever. But, suspicion would cloud my judgment, currently. I think maybe that’s the best. They all came west, settled into a new lif. I do know Theresa would search out seasonal work, so she then could collect unemployment in the off season, this is what I learned of Theresa, I cannot say this about Aunt Dede. But, they spent all their free time walking in Nanny’s shoes, drinking constantly. There was never a ‘let-up’. They could have lived longer, maybe they didn’t want to, I don’t know. While in Oregon, Theresa married Tina’s father, my oldest half sister, then came another husband and so did my second sister Brenda. They were about two years apart. This is actually way mixed up, my first two entries.  I’ll improve,  forgive me. 

Changes

Failure to bond basically since birth, now with strangers. What was next? How did I feel? What was happening? What kind of a thought was I capable of putting together at such a young age? Littered with the outcomes of the adults 1249_1054721815129_2380_nbehavior around me that were in my life now. I’d have to say the biggest boo boo in my life. Probably the root of all evil in my life. People being so hard-hearted when they see other’s, that they judge,  knowing nothing about the situation. I can attest to that.

My Aunt Marilyn picked me up at the orphanage. Only the diaper I had on was all she got to leave with me. She went straight to the store to get formula, clothes, diapers etc. All that she needed for me and for the trip back to San Diego.

Being about six months old, I had to be as emotionally unhealthy as any infant could be, I could only cry for those that seen worse. I became aware of my fear-based life in my later 20’s, I think how terrified an infant would have to feel without the knowledge of anything else having to do with that terror, that it could actually bring on such debilitating behavior as an adult and unknowingly until the light bulb went on one day.

When my Aunt Marilyn picked me up to move me from Portland to San Diego, the orphanage had nothing to offer her except the diaper I was wearing and me. Not so much as a bottle of formula or an extra diaper. Aunt Marilyn went, of course, directly to the store and bought all that she, and I, would need. Then back on the road, heading South this  time.

Back on track, I’m now in San Diego, like an infant would know the difference in geography. I’ve often wondered what went on in my emotional pocketbook, or what kind of thought process I was even able or unable to form around all the chaos I had witnessed in my new life. Especially in these early months having to do with courts. James and Marilyn Maynard, my Aunt and Uncle from my biological father’s side, Slim’s, had only one intention and that was adoption. It was to be an open-family adoption. Visits, and I was to be raised Catholic was part of the ‘deal’.

When we arrived at my new ‘home’ it was empty. My uncle was in the US Navy and away, deployed at that time. So, it was just Aunt Marilyn and me to get to know each other. I know at some time court proceedings were started and everything was agreed upon, but by the time the proceedings were over the Judge was angry, my biological parents had reneged on all they had agreed on and tried to get me back. Making a mockery out of the courtroom to the point that the Judge’s anger came out and he slammed down his gavel and spoke loudly that ” This child is NOT a football, ” He gave all rights to my new parents, and closed the adoption. I now had new parents and a whole new life looking at me. As an infant I had no idea.

Invitation to a Painted Thought

A Parable for the Heart♥♥♥:

By:
*•.¸♡mᎪᏒᎽ ᎠᎬᏉᏒᎽ♡¸.•*

We, who sit and ponder without the blessing of taking a note, may come to a brick wall with a precious spot of art, known better as vandalism. It’s amazing what God allows to wake up our brains. Hat’s off to all you artists out there who seem to need and definitely deserve a piece of paper.

You are invited:
Facebook’s Group: We Are His Miracles

Birthdays and Blessings

I said I’d return to give a run down of what I was doing while not blogging for the last seven months. Here I am. With no thoughts as to what I want or should write. Great! Gosh, where to start. . .


June 2018, approximately nine months ago the phone rang, an unusually excited voice on the other end squeals out, “Mama, how about I come for a visit”? I was like, “huh”? I was shocked and until I replied to her, her, my daughter, “of course you can”! I asked her how long she could stay, her reply was about a month. Wow, this is where you will start to understand the title of today’s blog, I was in shock and as to why is what makes me ‘know’ miracles do happen, I have witnessed all too many miracles to ‘ever’ deny them, and this was another. Maybe not the visit being the miracle but the end result of what I’d consider the most awkward, difficult and tiresome visit I hope I will ever have to play hostess to. Oh my!

She was due in on the morning bus coming from the eastern side of the states. Her bus broke down twice with another time being the saving bus. Not a good way to start the kind of trek that was in store for us. She made it in finally, 18 hours later than planned. At least I could see her with my eyes as she stood tall inside the bus as I looked up waiting for her to come into my sight and there she was, stepping up toward the driver, standing there seeing me and smiling large. My daughter. She’s alive! Truly.

It was the first sight i’d had of her for over 11 years. I truly thought and believed and had grieved (without giving up all hope, if that’s possible) her being gone and out of my life. I had no idea of her whereabouts, her health, her safety. The last time I saw her she was in turmoil and basically because of rotten circumstances in both of our lives she was lost into the dark from me. I was too weak to grab her.




I think I’m going to end there. I will give some serious thought to how to continue this, I am not sure. But, I can say, at this moment she’s still on a bus on her return trip and has not reached her place of residence yet. She sounds so good on the phone. Only recourse I have now is to pray my heart out for her to accept my offers and pray for her well being. It’s all about her and God and their choices at this time. 




“Wild One”

By: Faith Hill

They said change your clothes
She said no I won’t
They said comb your hair
She said some kids don’t
And her parents dreams went up in smoke

They said you can’t leave
She said yes I will
They said don’t see him
She said his name is Bill
She’s on a roll and it’s all uphill

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

She loves Rock and Roll
They said it’s Satan’s tongue
She thinks they’re too old
They think she’s too young
And the battle lines are clearly drawn

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

She has future plans and dreams at night
When they tell her life is hard she says that’s alright

She’s a wild one
With an angel’s face
She’s a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy’s knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She’s a wild one
Runnin’ free

Dearest Julia Anne.
Ever since I first heard this song, when it was released, it has been in my heart for you. I heard this and all I could do was think of you. I dedicated this song to you many years ago. I hope you like it. I never shared it with you but maybe the time wasn’t right and now it is. Go to You-Tube and search the name and play it = it’s a very ‘up’ song.
Love, Mama

March 4th, 2017